Wichita City Council Moves Forward with Plan to Clone Police Officer Charged with Stalking to put in Every Wichitan Home
WICHITA- This week the Wichita City Council approved a plan to clone a local WPD police officer tens of thousands of times to station inside every home in Wichita. Not just any police officer though. Last year Officer Flock of the WPD was charged with stalking his ex-wife by using police resources to follow her around and claiming it was “for her safety”. Council members have pointed out that while stalking his ex, Officer Flock spotted an attempted kidnapping nearby. When Republicringe asked Councilman Johnston about cloning Officer Flock and putting him in every home in Wichita, and the seemingly obvious violation of 4th amendment rights it presents, he responded “Look, all I want is for police to know where literally every single person is all the time, always and forever! Is that such a crime?”
But not everyone in Wichita is as excited about speedrunning the surveillance police state as city council. The voters of Wichita have been voicing their frustrations on the topic. Wichita resident Jason Regularguy says he got to sit down with Councilman Glasscock to talk about it one-on-one. “Well I tried to, anyways. But no matter what issue I brought up about it all he would talk about is when Officer Flock reported that kidnapping last year, he talked about it for 2 hours straight and I had to pee myself to create a reason to leave… but Officer Flock didn’t stop the kidnapping right? And everyone says he’s a stalker right? Why would they put clones of him in every home and have them follow people around wherever they go? Is there something I’m not understanding? Am I confused?”
While 99% of residents are against the move, Republicringe did manage to find a single Wichita resident who seems to be ecstatically in favor of this decision. Resident Walton Stoneprick wasn’t shy to tell us about the “many” upsides of this arrangement- “This is going to be amazing. This is going to have so many benefits for our communities. Remember that time Officer Flock reported that kidnapping once? That was so cool. And what about that one time Officer Flock reported that kidnapping? And who could forget the one time Officer Flock reported that kidnapping?”
This is satire. Names, quotes and events are made up.