Kansas Legislature Unveils Exciting New Trans-Inclusive Community Engagement Program
WICHITA- The Kansas legislature seemed all too ravenous to present their new “Trans-Inclusive Community Engagement Program,” as they’ve taken to calling it.
Kansas Republican Senator Ty Masterson went into more detail about the program: “It’s fun! We encourage everyone in Kansas to join in. All you have to do is prowl around until you find someone who’s transgender, then you’ll stalk them until they have to use the bathroom. When your prey starts heading towards a bathroom, take out your phone and start recording them while you’re following them. Then the second they take a step into that gas station bathroom, BAM! You call the police. If we successfully prosecute them, the state of Kansas and its taxpayers will give you $5000!”
He then opened the floor for questions, which immediately complicated things.
One attendee asked, “How would someone actually know if a person is transgender?”
Masterson paused. “That’s… that’s a great question. We’re going to leave that up to the famously flawless judgment of everyday Kansans.”
“But what does that judgment look like exactly?”
“Vibes, mostly,” Masterson said. “I trust Kansans to just know.”
Another attendee pressed further: “What happens if you’re wrong? What if the person you report isn’t transgender at all?”
“Well, then no harm done!” Masterson said cheerfully. “They just had a stranger follow them into a gas station, record them walking into a bathroom, and call the cops on them. Very minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things.”
“Is the state worried about lawsuits from people who are wrongly accused?”
“We’ve budgeted for that because we’re smart,” Masterson said, gesturing vaguely at a folder labeled “Lawsuits / Human Rights Violations / Constitutional Concerns (probably fine).” “I want to be clear that this is a program built entirely on trust. Trust that Kansans will use this responsibly. Trust that a $5,000 cash incentive totally won’t change or influence anyone’s behavior. Trust that random men following women into bathrooms will go smoothly one hundred percent of the time.”
A reporter asked whether the fiscal note included the cost of the constitutional lawsuits the bill itself was expected to generate.
“We’re still finalizing that number,” Masterson said. “It’s somewhere between ‘a lot’ and ‘we didn’t really think that far ahead.’”
Asked if he had any other thoughts about the program, Masterson smiled and said, “I foresee no issues with this plan.”
Near the end of the Q&A, a woman in the back raised her hand. “Just to clarify, this applies to anyone who looks like they might be trans, right? Not just people who actually are?”
“Correct,” Masterson said.
“So cisgender women could get followed into a bathroom and reported too if they’re tall, or toned, or have short hair, or happen to have any other transgender stereotype?”
“Well…” Masterson started, then stopped himself. “I mean, technically, sure, in the sense that… look, if you’re a woman who’s tall, or has short hair, or doesn’t want to wear a dress that day, that’s a you problem, not a legislation problem.”
“So you’re saying the bill polices womanhood generally?”
“I wouldn’t put it that way,” Masterson said, visibly regretting several of his life choices. “I’d say it encourages community accountability around womanhood, generally speaking, for everyone, at all times, forever.”
This is satire. Quotes and events are made up.